Luuuucyyyy, You Got Some 'Splaning to Do...

I really hate to keep bringing this up so this is my last mention of it EVER. Pinky promise. I just feel like I owe an explanation to you guys because you're pretty awesome and things have been pretty confusing.

About a week or two ago I asked a food page to share one of my recipes. The woman fell in love with our page and said she would share it on her page as well as on the other page she admins, Mamas Uncensored. I thanked her and my likes increased 
by 10 fold. I was, and still am, very grateful. There was no begging. There was no pleading.

Flash forward to about three days ago. I was on a page called Self Proclaimed Bitches. The admin was very loud and annoying. She posted about it being okay that people have fancy cars and are on welfare. I commented with "I'm unliking this page." Butthurt ensued and she told me to "Suck a nut.' I replied with "Maybe if you sucked a nut and charged, you wouldn't need to be on welfare." Childish, I know. It was in the heat of the moment. Well, a slew of slores jumped in and one thing lead to another and I called someone's adult daughter a whore. They lost their shit. No joke. It turned into a battlefield and the other side shared one brain cell. I was entertained.

And then it happened.

Apparently, the admin for that page was also the admin of the other page that shared me. So what did she do? She shared my page and called for a raid of our page. LOL! By raid I mean a bunch of vag owners came in and said things like "You just jelus I married and you unwed house hoe." or "You're food looks like poop." This was also accompanied by a lot of other insults that sounded a lot like "unnnngh mleh bleeeeeeeeee."

Needless to say, it brought some big time lols. In case you guys aren't aware, a large majority of the page has retired "trolls." We used to go around the internets having fun and making people laugh. Back before trolling was lame and pretty much the equivalent of spitting out foam and expecting people to like it. 

Also, they started reporting our page because they were that butthurt.

Also, everything backfired, it's brought the page closer together and it's given us some new fans that were tired of the other page's whining and lameness.

So here are some facts, just to clarify:

• Despite, what you've heard, I am not John Goodman in a dress.

• I am nowhere near a goodie, goodie. I curse, drink, party and I can be quite cunty. I just don't see a point in being trashy. I am educated and I enjoy not being a complete fuckwad. I don't think I'm above anyone, I just like to conduct myself in a certain way. There's always a time and a place. I know how to act in public. Seriously though, I'm not going to sit there and let someone take blows at me. Just because I can hit harder, does not mean that I'm the bad guy. I just think they aren't used to smart people. I get that.

• Unwed housewife is just a page name. It is what describes my current situation. I've been with my bf for 4 years. We're very much in love. We have a very traditional husband/wife relationship, but we are not married. It explains a lot of modern relationships. 

•  The woman who's daughter I called a whore first started by insulting me. I only served her dish back to her on a silver platter and apparently it was too hard to swallow. She threatened to shank me. I asked if she learned that from her daughter's pimp.

• I don't report people. I did block the raiders, but I never reported an admin or a page.

• I would never call a child a whore. Really. WTF

• Last but not least: Coq Au Vin is chicken soaked and cooked in wine. It's purple. If your poop is purple, seek medical help immediately.

And DONE! Let's go on with the page and share some damn recipes! 

Why hello there. I've been expecting you.

This little tiny blog has exploded from 240 followers to over 2.5 thousand and I really want to take this time to thank you. You are all amazing and you make my heart happy. There's just oooooone little thing. I think I need to explain the blog and Facebook page.

I'm a 26 yr old tattooed, pierced, pink haired foodie. I live with my boyfriend of four years. I'm very traditional but modern at the same time and I love to cook. A lot.  It's gotten to the point where we hardly ever go to restaurants because I would rather cook at home. My other passion is writing. I'm a few courses away from a Journalism degree. Finances got in the way. Life happens. It's fine. Put those together and have you got? Bibbity Bobbity Boo This blog!

That's ME! In a bathroom. Not using it. Just making fishy faces.  That's normal, right?

Welcome. Take a seat. Try the cookies.

Now that my little bio is out of the way, I feel that it's important that i stress that this is also a humor blog. Nothing is supposed to be taken too seriously. I make fun of cheflebrities, shows, networks and life in general. I have the sense of humor of a 15 yr old boy sometimes and a sad internet addiction so expect sarcasm, cursing and memes. You can also expect awesome recipes.

So far I've only seen a few comments from people that thought this was going to be some sort of ode to Martha Stewart. The hell, guys? Seriously? No.

One thought that I was racist for supporting Paula Deen and being from Texas and another was mad because I was rude and called Sandra Dee a lush. Guys? Seriously. WTF, guys? I will post a few green smoothie recipes at a later date to help loosen that constipation.

I definitely encourage sharing recipes. I will post. Revised versions of my own recipes are definitely encouraged. The fresher, the better. I love budget meals that use fresh ingredients. I have a pretty strong aversion to pre-made stuff, but I do sometimes have makeover recipes for those kind of meals. Need help with a recipe? Ask me. I'll give pointers and post that other members can give their advice as well.

Other than that, the main rule is HAVE FUN! Post. Share. Like. Comment. Invite.

And now a recipe for what I made last night. My cheapy version of Chicken Marsala.

                        Chicken Marsala                   Feeds 2

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, pounded or butterflied

2 C fresh sliced mushroom

1 medium yellow onion, sliced

1 C white wine (traditionally masala, but I used Pinot. Use whatever is on sale)

2 TBS cream cheese

salt, pepper, garlic to taste

1 tsp butter

2 TBS olive oil

Season chicken with s,p and g.

Heat olive oil in a large skillet and brown chicken on both sides. Do not scrub pan. See that brown goodness? That's flavor gold!

Place chicken in oven preheated to 350F until fully cooked.

Meanwhile, in the same pan, add butter and saute onion until almost soft.

Add in mushrooms and continue to saute until both onions and mushrooms are soft.
Stir in cream cheese until melted,

Add white wine and let boil.

Remove from heat. 

Serve sauce over chicken breast and brown rice.

Drink the rest of the wine. You deserve it.

Watch as people are amazed at how freakin' gourmet you are.

Paula Deen Riding Racism

I felt that I needed to post a blog regarding this. I am not really that big of a fan of Paula Deen. I love cooking shows, but her cooking is not really my style. I am more of a Cooking Channel girl. Food Network lost me long ago when every other show on their channel was Guy Fieri with his God awful 90s hair and Smash Mouth front man persona. Stop trying to make 90's hair happen. It's not going to happen. No sir. I'll take Nadia G's alterna-gourmet or Alex Guarnacelli over Guy, Rachel Ray's polypy voice and Paula's artery clogging crap ANY DAY. 

That being said, the recent controversy over Paula Deen is complete bs. Let's start out with a few facts. 
1. Paula Deen said the n-word.
2. It was said at a plantation themed wedding almost 30 years ago.
3. The woman suing her is white.
4. Did I mention she said this in 1986?
5. 1986! I wasn't even born. My parents were still honeymooning.

Just let all of that soak in like Dawn soaking into the grease soaked pans that I'm sure are a daily thing around the Deen household.

27 years.

Now Food Network has fired her. The same network that gave Sandra Lee two other shows after she made that ridiculous Kwanzaa cake. Frankly, I found that cake more in poor taste than something Paula said almost 30 years ago. 

The trailer park called, Sandra. Sadly, not even they wanted you back.

Here's my thing. Paula said that she is sorry for having done this 27 years ago and that she isn't like that anymore. There are athletes that have raped and murdered. They are still athletes. Michael Vick murdered dogs for entertainment. He's still a football player. Michael Jackson admitted to sleeping in the same bed with young boys. If you bring this up to anyone, they freak the hell out and tell you to focus on his music not his personal life. Frankly, I think his music sucked about as much as he sucked off litt- okay, off topic. Back on point. I just don't see how rape, murder and child molestation (even if just alleged) is less of an offense than saying a horrible word 30 years ago. It wasn't until recently that I stopped saying "you're so gay" or "man, that's retarded." It was part if the vernacular in the 90s and early 2000s. We evolve. We are constantly learning. I'd never do that today. 

I'm not condoning her actions, but isn't it a bit odd to bring up her language from almost 30 years ago? It sounds like someone is trying to cash in on her royalties. Either way, it really doesn't effect me. I never really watched her show too much. I am just not a fan of how politically correct people have become. Had this happened recently, I'd be livid, but 27 years ago? Come on.

Now, on to more important things. We need to stop Ina Garten. Just stop her. She's a horrible individual. She wouldn't even let a kid with cancer cook with her. She makes me want to slap babies and drown puppies. Also, my Coq Au Vin is 10x better than hers and I'm only a semi-fem douche. 

She even pops her collar like a douche. No wonder Jeffrey is never home.

I Believe I Can (stir) Fry

It finally happened. The Unwed Husband and I finally moved into our own place. It was an extremely long process. We started off in our own place in my hometown in Texas, moved to Idaho, came back a year later and worked our way back to the top. Now we're here and it's been awesome. It seems that I started my culinary ventures backwards though. For the past two or three years I've been cooking for families. Now I'm finding it hard to cook portions for two people. All that means is leftovers though. Nobody is really complaining. 

That being said it's time for me to get back into what I was trying to do in the beginning. I really need to keep this blog up and running. It's pretty ridiculous that I've left it abandoned. That's not cool at all. Maybe, if I had more comments and shares, (old school MySpace like-whore say what? JOIN MY LIKE TRAIN EL OH EL!) I'd have an incentive to write more. Ahem.. 

Just kidding, lovelies. It's honestly 100% my fault. I've been busy and lazy and sometimes I honestly just forgot. My apologies.

Now it's that part of the blog post after the apology where I act like a parent that neglects their children and I lavish you with gifts in the form of culinary knowledge. Usually these gifts include either chocolatey pieces of Heaven or cheesy comfort foods that will put you in a euphoric haze that will make you forget alllll about how crappy I am at keeping up with the whole blogging thing. Well, not this time. See, lately I've been on a bit of a health kick and my meals have become a lot healthier. So, this time, I'm going to act like a real parent and I'm serving you veggies and healthy protein with seafood. An Asian fusion, and you're going to like it, or else I promise. 

The dish I'm going to provide you with is inspired by local Chinese buffets. (Buffet? Healthy? Yeah. I know. Shut it. Nobody asked you.) I've lived in various places all over America and I've only found this in my hometown. I'm sure it has to do with the strong Latin American influences and the access to fresh shrimp daily. I really don't know. All I know is that it's freakin' delicious and I've mastered the art of making it. Right down to the shredded Iceberg Lettuce. Yes, Iceberg Lettuce. I have tried Bok Choy, regular cabbage and even endive. It calls for wilted Iceberg. Don't judge until you've tried it. And now, here is the moment you've all been waiting for, especially you, Evalinda.

Drum roll please... padadadadadadadadada

Jalapeno Chicken and Shrimp

                                    serves: 4

2 carrots sliced

2 chicken breasts chopped into 1/2 in pieces

1 lb raw shrimp, shelled and deveined

1 jalapeno, sliced

1 onion, chopped in large pieces for texture

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tsp salt

1 tsp pepper

2 tbs oil

1 C shredded iceberg lettuce

Heat oil in wok or large pan.

Once hot, add in carrots, onion and garlic. Cook until onion is almost translucent.

Add in chicken, jalapeno and all seasonings. Stir continuously and cook until chicken is no longer raw.

Add in shrimp, continuing to stir until shrimp is completely opaque (about 2-3 minutes) and be careful not to over cook it.

Remove from heat and stir in iceberg lettuce. Cover and let the lettuce wilt.

Serve over steamed white or Basmati rice.