Wearing Makeup Does Not Make Me Insecure

I recently read an article on Refinery29 about a blogger that has been harassed for not wearing makeup. She has been called ugly, told she'd look better if she wore makeup and just plain bullied. She stood up today to tell people that not wearing makeup does not make her ugly. Good for her! I honestly find it refreshing that she's willing to come out and stand up for her own personal choices.

I, however, am on the other end of the spectrum. I have an affinity for makeup. Nothing makes me happier than discovering a new product. I live for taking home that little $15 box from MAC and pulling out a fresh tube of Ruby Woo matte retro red lipstick every few months. I love when my grandma talks to me about how her mother used to use the same loose powder that I do. I wake up two hours earlier just so I can take my time doing my makeup pretty much daily. I've perfected both the cat eye and the smokey eye. I can wing my gel liner like an absolute pro. I LOVE makeup.

Sadly, I've received a lot of backlash over the years. The comments have varied but all are equally ignorant. A person once told me that I looked like a French whore. Of course, I took that and ran with it and now my friends call me that all of the time, but still. Another man told me that I look like a clown. A few people have said that my signature red lip is gross because red is the color of period blood and I must have sucked on my own tampon. That one was pretty out there. Notice that I said a few. Yes, more than one person on different occasions told me that little gem.

Those are all so ridiculous that it's funny though. What really bothers me are the serious comments. Comments that are out of pure ignorance and meant to try and "raise me up." I get told that I am so pretty and I don't need all of that gunk on my face. I've been told that I shouldn't feel the need to impress anyone. I'm obviously high maintenance and that's unattractive. My favorite is when I'm told that I lack self confidence and should be comfortable in my own skin.

All of those comments are such bull shit. Pure, stinky, fly infested bull shit. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you that I'm the most confident person they've ever met. I'm not overly confident, but I love everything about myself. My freckles, my mole on my forehead that makes me stand out, my mild case of Rosacea that gives me naturally pink cheeks, my boobs, my butt, my curves, my hair. All of it. All 5'9 and 285 lbs of it. I am unabashedly honest with myself and I know every inch of myself. I'm not going on a body positive rant, which I could go on and on about, but this is who I am. Why spend my time hating myself? That being said, my love of makeup has nothing to do whatsoever with my confidence. I feel just as confident in a t shirt and boxer pants curled up on the couch marathoning a show with my fiance than I do in a curve hugging outfit that shows off my tattoos, victory rolls in my hair and retro glam makeup on. It's not a confidence thing.

I'm so far from high maintenance it's ridiculous. My makeup is primarily E.L.F which is so cheap but so good, Maybelline and Rimmel with as few more high end pieces by Sephora and MAC thrown in and my Coty Airspun Loose Powder. All in all my makeup collection is all under $70 and it lasts me forever. Literally. MAC is highly pigmented and I buy one lipstick every 6 months at the most. My eyeliner, powder and foundation last about three months and as far as eye shadows I have a few pallets that I've had for a couple of years with a few untouched. I do my own eyelashes, my own hair coloring and cutting and I do my own nails. My entire beauty regimen for a year costs about $200 if you include hair products and dye. If I were high maintenance that is roughly how much one Brazilian blowout would cost. No makeup included.

So why do I wear makeup? Because it's an art. Life is art. Every thing around us is art. my face is a canvas and my makeup is my paint. If I want to look like an old Hollywood beauty, I can. If I want to look like a wood nymph, I can. If I want to look goth or punk for a day I can and I have. Maybe I get a wild hair and want something Kardashian inspired because let's face it, they are annoying as hell but they have the best makeup looks, I fucking can. Before someone out there says that this makes me fake and I'm not being myself, please chew on your words for a little while. This IS who I am. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm not changing who I am. It's inspired art.

This in no way mean that I'm better than or lesser than a woman choosing to go bare faced. This is just my choice. The same way that the woman from the article above asked that her decision be respected and that the hatred towards her choice not to wear makeup stop, I'm asking that you think before spewing hatred towards those that choose to wear makeup. We are all special and beautiful in our own ways. Being hateful is not beautiful in anyway. I am not my makeup. I am not lacking in self confidence. I am not fake and I certainly don't use menstrual blood as a cosmetic. I am, however, creative. I am beautiful. I am confident. I am loyal. I am funny. I am honest. These are all traits more important than my choice to wear makeup.

I'm Still Crafting My Pants

This isn't a blog post really. Just more shameless self promotion. Buy, share, pin and love. To order, contact me on the page Facebook or email me at Clairecavazos@yahoo.com. I accept Paypal.

Hand Sculpted Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch Ruby Red Slippers Bookmark- $8

Mark your spot in your favorite book using this cute bookmark printed with "Don't make me drop a house on you" with attached witch legs that peek out from underneath. Hand sculpted and painted legs with red glitter slippers and printed bookmark on recycled cardboard.

- Approximately 6 x 1 inches
- natural earth air dry clay
- hand painted with acrylics
- recycled cardboard backing
-red glitter shoes sealed with acrylic sealer

La Dama Mexican Folk art Jewelry box- $15
Box is approx. 2.5 x 4 inches acrylic on paper mâché with felt lining.

Distressed doll head planter - $30
Waterproofed, hand sculpted from natural clay then hand painted with acrylics and sealed. 

 Mexican Loteria Folk Art Heart Paper Weight -$10  Acrylics on pine with felt backing. 

Alacran (Scorpion) Mexican Loteria Folk Art Paper Weight- $10 Acrylic on pine with felt backing. 

I Craft My Pants

You've probably noticed something different about the page. My absence for one. Lol! Just kidding. You're probably used to that by now. One thing that's different is wedding talk. Wedding? That's right, lovelies! The Unwed Husband finally decided to make an honest woman out of me. He proposed in the first hour of New Year's Day. We had a family get together. His original plan was that he'd propose 13 seconds (13 is my favorite number) until midnight, but I was way too frazzled so he waited. There I was, everyone had left and I served myself a heaping plate of BBQ and took a breather while complaining to him and watching a "Happy Endings" marathon on VH1. He told me, I noticed you were really stressed. It sucks because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do. Me, being unsuspecting forked more fajita into my mouth and asked him, "what did you wanna do?" He then got down on one knee looked at me and brought out a ring. I panicked and started yelling "OMG! OMG!" then proceeded to hand him my plate out of shock." Thankfully, he took it and put the ring on my finger. And now I'm an almost not Unwed Housewife.

Another thing you've probably noticed is my extra long absence. It's been longer than usual. Here's where the not so happy news comes in. I will always be candid about myself. I will also always be extremely open about mental health because I feel like it has this stigma surrounding it that needs to be broken down. I've been going through a large bought of depression and crippling panic attacks. Both are so bad that I'm in physical pain. I went to see someone professionally and was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I can finally say that I'm certifiably insane. Ha! Okay, not that funny, but humor is my coping mechanism. I'm controlling everything with meds right now, but I'm still dealing with some inner demons. Apparently, bipolar is the new chic illness to have so I'm pretty lucky that I'm "in" this season. It's okay. You can be jealous.

Now for the final thing I'm sure you've noticed. I'm whoring out my crafting skills, or at least attempting to. I'm failing pretty badly at it actually. See, I'm in a bit of a financial rut and I'm hoping to use my skills to make a side living. That being said, please look at the stuff below. There's something for everyone and it's all hand painted or sculpted and painted by me. I take Paypal and will ship to you. Shipping is included in the fee. Look around, share, pin, tell your friends and help me out. Here's a look at the cool coasters I've hand painted.

 To order, contact me on the page Facebook or email me at Clairecavazos@yahoo.com. I accept Paypal.

                                               Hand Painted Mexican Folk Art Loteria Coasters, set of 4- $25

The perfect splash of color to your decor. Colorful Mexican folk art coasters are sure to be a conversation starter. The Mexican bingo (Loteria) cards invoke a feeling of fun and will have you screaming "LOTERIA!" Also a great way to learn new words in Spanish.
Hand painted to match the background of the Loteria card on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with cork to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.
- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- recycled cork backing

Hand Painted RuPaul's Drag Race Coasters, set of 4- $25

Have the ultimate RPDR viewing party while creating your own Interior Illusions Lounge with these hand painted coasters to protect your table from your Absolute cocktail. Each features a different girl; Sharon, Jinkx, Bianca and Ben de la Creme.
Hand painted on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with felt to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.

- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- felt backing

Hand Painted Classic Horror Movie Poster Coasters, Set of 4- $25

Terrifyingly awesome classic horror themed coasters meant to send a chill down your spine while saving your table from the chill of your glass. Makes the perfect gift for any horror aficionado. Hand painted to coordinate with picture on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with felt to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.
- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- felt backing

Hand Painted Plus Size Pin Up Hilda Coasters set of 4- $25

Adorable Hilda, the plus sized pin up coasters will bring joy to any tea or coffee time. Each set contains 4 coasters with different scenes. Eachs are hand painted pastel colors to look vintage on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with cork to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.
- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- recycled cork backing

Luuuucyyyy, You Got Some 'Splaning to Do...

I really hate to keep bringing this up so this is my last mention of it EVER. Pinky promise. I just feel like I owe an explanation to you guys because you're pretty awesome and things have been pretty confusing.

About a week or two ago I asked a food page to share one of my recipes. The woman fell in love with our page and said she would share it on her page as well as on the other page she admins, Mamas Uncensored. I thanked her and my likes increased 
by 10 fold. I was, and still am, very grateful. There was no begging. There was no pleading.

Flash forward to about three days ago. I was on a page called Self Proclaimed Bitches. The admin was very loud and annoying. She posted about it being okay that people have fancy cars and are on welfare. I commented with "I'm unliking this page." Butthurt ensued and she told me to "Suck a nut.' I replied with "Maybe if you sucked a nut and charged, you wouldn't need to be on welfare." Childish, I know. It was in the heat of the moment. Well, a slew of slores jumped in and one thing lead to another and I called someone's adult daughter a whore. They lost their shit. No joke. It turned into a battlefield and the other side shared one brain cell. I was entertained.

And then it happened.

Apparently, the admin for that page was also the admin of the other page that shared me. So what did she do? She shared my page and called for a raid of our page. LOL! By raid I mean a bunch of vag owners came in and said things like "You just jelus I married and you unwed house hoe." or "You're food looks like poop." This was also accompanied by a lot of other insults that sounded a lot like "unnnngh mleh bleeeeeeeeee."

Needless to say, it brought some big time lols. In case you guys aren't aware, a large majority of the page has retired "trolls." We used to go around the internets having fun and making people laugh. Back before trolling was lame and pretty much the equivalent of spitting out foam and expecting people to like it. 

Also, they started reporting our page because they were that butthurt.

Also, everything backfired, it's brought the page closer together and it's given us some new fans that were tired of the other page's whining and lameness.

So here are some facts, just to clarify:

• Despite, what you've heard, I am not John Goodman in a dress.

• I am nowhere near a goodie, goodie. I curse, drink, party and I can be quite cunty. I just don't see a point in being trashy. I am educated and I enjoy not being a complete fuckwad. I don't think I'm above anyone, I just like to conduct myself in a certain way. There's always a time and a place. I know how to act in public. Seriously though, I'm not going to sit there and let someone take blows at me. Just because I can hit harder, does not mean that I'm the bad guy. I just think they aren't used to smart people. I get that.

• Unwed housewife is just a page name. It is what describes my current situation. I've been with my bf for 4 years. We're very much in love. We have a very traditional husband/wife relationship, but we are not married. It explains a lot of modern relationships. 

•  The woman who's daughter I called a whore first started by insulting me. I only served her dish back to her on a silver platter and apparently it was too hard to swallow. She threatened to shank me. I asked if she learned that from her daughter's pimp.

• I don't report people. I did block the raiders, but I never reported an admin or a page.

• I would never call a child a whore. Really. WTF

• Last but not least: Coq Au Vin is chicken soaked and cooked in wine. It's purple. If your poop is purple, seek medical help immediately.

And DONE! Let's go on with the page and share some damn recipes! 

Why hello there. I've been expecting you.

This little tiny blog has exploded from 240 followers to over 2.5 thousand and I really want to take this time to thank you. You are all amazing and you make my heart happy. There's just oooooone little thing. I think I need to explain the blog and Facebook page.

I'm a 26 yr old tattooed, pierced, pink haired foodie. I live with my boyfriend of four years. I'm very traditional but modern at the same time and I love to cook. A lot.  It's gotten to the point where we hardly ever go to restaurants because I would rather cook at home. My other passion is writing. I'm a few courses away from a Journalism degree. Finances got in the way. Life happens. It's fine. Put those together and have you got? Bibbity Bobbity Boo This blog!

That's ME! In a bathroom. Not using it. Just making fishy faces.  That's normal, right?

Welcome. Take a seat. Try the cookies.

Now that my little bio is out of the way, I feel that it's important that i stress that this is also a humor blog. Nothing is supposed to be taken too seriously. I make fun of cheflebrities, shows, networks and life in general. I have the sense of humor of a 15 yr old boy sometimes and a sad internet addiction so expect sarcasm, cursing and memes. You can also expect awesome recipes.

So far I've only seen a few comments from people that thought this was going to be some sort of ode to Martha Stewart. The hell, guys? Seriously? No.

One thought that I was racist for supporting Paula Deen and being from Texas and another was mad because I was rude and called Sandra Dee a lush. Guys? Seriously. WTF, guys? I will post a few green smoothie recipes at a later date to help loosen that constipation.

I definitely encourage sharing recipes. I will post. Revised versions of my own recipes are definitely encouraged. The fresher, the better. I love budget meals that use fresh ingredients. I have a pretty strong aversion to pre-made stuff, but I do sometimes have makeover recipes for those kind of meals. Need help with a recipe? Ask me. I'll give pointers and post that other members can give their advice as well.

Other than that, the main rule is HAVE FUN! Post. Share. Like. Comment. Invite.

And now a recipe for what I made last night. My cheapy version of Chicken Marsala.

                        Chicken Marsala                   Feeds 2

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, pounded or butterflied

2 C fresh sliced mushroom

1 medium yellow onion, sliced

1 C white wine (traditionally masala, but I used Pinot. Use whatever is on sale)

2 TBS cream cheese

salt, pepper, garlic to taste

1 tsp butter

2 TBS olive oil

Season chicken with s,p and g.

Heat olive oil in a large skillet and brown chicken on both sides. Do not scrub pan. See that brown goodness? That's flavor gold!

Place chicken in oven preheated to 350F until fully cooked.

Meanwhile, in the same pan, add butter and saute onion until almost soft.

Add in mushrooms and continue to saute until both onions and mushrooms are soft.
Stir in cream cheese until melted,

Add white wine and let boil.

Remove from heat. 

Serve sauce over chicken breast and brown rice.

Drink the rest of the wine. You deserve it.

Watch as people are amazed at how freakin' gourmet you are.

Paula Deen Riding Racism

I felt that I needed to post a blog regarding this. I am not really that big of a fan of Paula Deen. I love cooking shows, but her cooking is not really my style. I am more of a Cooking Channel girl. Food Network lost me long ago when every other show on their channel was Guy Fieri with his God awful 90s hair and Smash Mouth front man persona. Stop trying to make 90's hair happen. It's not going to happen. No sir. I'll take Nadia G's alterna-gourmet or Alex Guarnacelli over Guy, Rachel Ray's polypy voice and Paula's artery clogging crap ANY DAY. 

That being said, the recent controversy over Paula Deen is complete bs. Let's start out with a few facts. 
1. Paula Deen said the n-word.
2. It was said at a plantation themed wedding almost 30 years ago.
3. The woman suing her is white.
4. Did I mention she said this in 1986?
5. 1986! I wasn't even born. My parents were still honeymooning.

Just let all of that soak in like Dawn soaking into the grease soaked pans that I'm sure are a daily thing around the Deen household.

27 years.

Now Food Network has fired her. The same network that gave Sandra Lee two other shows after she made that ridiculous Kwanzaa cake. Frankly, I found that cake more in poor taste than something Paula said almost 30 years ago. 

The trailer park called, Sandra. Sadly, not even they wanted you back.

Here's my thing. Paula said that she is sorry for having done this 27 years ago and that she isn't like that anymore. There are athletes that have raped and murdered. They are still athletes. Michael Vick murdered dogs for entertainment. He's still a football player. Michael Jackson admitted to sleeping in the same bed with young boys. If you bring this up to anyone, they freak the hell out and tell you to focus on his music not his personal life. Frankly, I think his music sucked about as much as he sucked off litt- okay, off topic. Back on point. I just don't see how rape, murder and child molestation (even if just alleged) is less of an offense than saying a horrible word 30 years ago. It wasn't until recently that I stopped saying "you're so gay" or "man, that's retarded." It was part if the vernacular in the 90s and early 2000s. We evolve. We are constantly learning. I'd never do that today. 

I'm not condoning her actions, but isn't it a bit odd to bring up her language from almost 30 years ago? It sounds like someone is trying to cash in on her royalties. Either way, it really doesn't effect me. I never really watched her show too much. I am just not a fan of how politically correct people have become. Had this happened recently, I'd be livid, but 27 years ago? Come on.

Now, on to more important things. We need to stop Ina Garten. Just stop her. She's a horrible individual. She wouldn't even let a kid with cancer cook with her. She makes me want to slap babies and drown puppies. Also, my Coq Au Vin is 10x better than hers and I'm only a semi-fem douche. 

She even pops her collar like a douche. No wonder Jeffrey is never home.

I Believe I Can (stir) Fry

It finally happened. The Unwed Husband and I finally moved into our own place. It was an extremely long process. We started off in our own place in my hometown in Texas, moved to Idaho, came back a year later and worked our way back to the top. Now we're here and it's been awesome. It seems that I started my culinary ventures backwards though. For the past two or three years I've been cooking for families. Now I'm finding it hard to cook portions for two people. All that means is leftovers though. Nobody is really complaining. 

That being said it's time for me to get back into what I was trying to do in the beginning. I really need to keep this blog up and running. It's pretty ridiculous that I've left it abandoned. That's not cool at all. Maybe, if I had more comments and shares, (old school MySpace like-whore say what? JOIN MY LIKE TRAIN EL OH EL!) I'd have an incentive to write more. Ahem.. 

Just kidding, lovelies. It's honestly 100% my fault. I've been busy and lazy and sometimes I honestly just forgot. My apologies.

Now it's that part of the blog post after the apology where I act like a parent that neglects their children and I lavish you with gifts in the form of culinary knowledge. Usually these gifts include either chocolatey pieces of Heaven or cheesy comfort foods that will put you in a euphoric haze that will make you forget alllll about how crappy I am at keeping up with the whole blogging thing. Well, not this time. See, lately I've been on a bit of a health kick and my meals have become a lot healthier. So, this time, I'm going to act like a real parent and I'm serving you veggies and healthy protein with seafood. An Asian fusion, and you're going to like it, or else I promise. 

The dish I'm going to provide you with is inspired by local Chinese buffets. (Buffet? Healthy? Yeah. I know. Shut it. Nobody asked you.) I've lived in various places all over America and I've only found this in my hometown. I'm sure it has to do with the strong Latin American influences and the access to fresh shrimp daily. I really don't know. All I know is that it's freakin' delicious and I've mastered the art of making it. Right down to the shredded Iceberg Lettuce. Yes, Iceberg Lettuce. I have tried Bok Choy, regular cabbage and even endive. It calls for wilted Iceberg. Don't judge until you've tried it. And now, here is the moment you've all been waiting for, especially you, Evalinda.

Drum roll please... padadadadadadadadada

Jalapeno Chicken and Shrimp

                                    serves: 4

2 carrots sliced

2 chicken breasts chopped into 1/2 in pieces

1 lb raw shrimp, shelled and deveined

1 jalapeno, sliced

1 onion, chopped in large pieces for texture

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tsp salt

1 tsp pepper

2 tbs oil

1 C shredded iceberg lettuce

Heat oil in wok or large pan.

Once hot, add in carrots, onion and garlic. Cook until onion is almost translucent.

Add in chicken, jalapeno and all seasonings. Stir continuously and cook until chicken is no longer raw.

Add in shrimp, continuing to stir until shrimp is completely opaque (about 2-3 minutes) and be careful not to over cook it.

Remove from heat and stir in iceberg lettuce. Cover and let the lettuce wilt.

Serve over steamed white or Basmati rice.

You Can Take Your Hamburger Philanthropist Hand and Shove It: Day 3 of Leftover Makeovers

I know, I skipped a day. In my defense, I came home from work, ate and passed out. I was so cranky and mean yesterday too. I forgot what getting over 5 hours of sleep was like. I feel great today.On the bright side this means that I will be posting until Saturday instead of until Friday. Lucky you.

Last night we took the Unwed Husband's very small amount of leftover amazing three cheese homemade mac and cheese and whipped up some non-preservative and sodium monitored gourmet Chili Mac. This isn't your average Hamburger Helper lazy day Chili Mac. This featured delicious homemade chili and fresh cheese that you just can't get from that bleeding heart son of a bitch smiling glove. 

This Mac and Cheese is literally food for the gods. It's rich and creamy and honestly even good lumped up and cold like this.

Pictures can not begin to describe how amazing this remake was.

Refurbished Chili Mac

2 lbs of ground beef

1 onion, chopped

1 green bell pepper, chopped

2 tomatoes, chopped

1 stalk of celery, chopped

4 TBS chili powder

2 TBS cumin

Salt and Pepper to taste

1 cup of water

1- 8 oz can of tomato 

1 cup of cheddar cheese

1 lb of cooked macaroni and cheese (Add in extra macaroni if needed)

1/2 C real mayo made with olive oil

Saute all veggies and set aside.

Brown ground beef and drain.

Place cooked veggies in a large pot with cooked beef.

Stir in all ingredients except for cheese and macaroni.

Allow to simmer for about an hour or two.

Add in mac and extra cheese and stir.

Stir in mayo until creamy.

At this point you can also add in extra add ins. My recommendations would be olives, a variety of beans, mushrooms, sun dried tomatoes, jalapenos and/or fresh tomatoes. 

Papas Can You Hear Me? Day 2 of Leftover Makeovers: Mashed Potato Latkes

Let me just start this off by saying I really hope this doesn't offend anyone of the Jewish faith. If anything, you should be flattered. The reason I'm saying this is because I have a confession. Although I was raised a Hispanic Catholic girl from the south, I have this unnatural obsession with being a Jewish New Yorker. I'm not sure where this obsession came from other than my upbringing where "Funny Girl" was shown alongside "Sesame Street" and "Don't Rain on My Parade" was just another lullaby. Once I grew up it became marathons of "The Nanny" and I was obsessed with the glamorous stereotype.In second grade one of the teachers was a lovely woman named Mrs. Weizmann  During the holidays she taught us all about Hanukkah  the traditions and the food. Three things happened that day. One, I begged my mother to become Jewish so I could have 8 Christmases (yeah, I know that's not quite right now). Two, I went home with my own dreidel and learned the dreidel song. Three, I tasted Potato Latkes for the first time and was hooked.

It's day two of Leftover Makeovers and dinner was one of my family's absolute favorites; breakfast for dinner buffet. The menu consisted of their choice of leftover ham, bacon, eggs, pancakes and Potato Latkes made of leftover mashed potatoes. It was heavenly. So heavenly in fact that I forgot to take a picture and by the time I remembered, they were all eaten up.

This is not my picture but it looks like it could be. That's all that matter's, right? Screw copyrights! I'm a Google rebel.

Mashed Potato Latkes

2 cups mashed potatoes 
1 large egg, beaten lightly 
6 tablespoons all-purpose flour 
3 TBS onion powder  
Salt and pepper 
Vegetable oil, for frying

Preheat oven to 250 degrees. 

In a bowl combine well the potatoes and the egg, stir in the flour thoroughly, and stir in the onion powder salt and pepper, to taste. 

In a large heavy skillet, heat 1/8-inch of the oil over moderately high heat until it is hot but not smoking. Fry heaping tablespoons of the potato mixture, flattening them slightly with the back of the spoon, for 1 minute on each side, or until they are golden brown. Transfer the pancakes as they are cooked to paper towels to drain and if desired, keep them warm on a rack set on a baking sheet in a preheated 250 degree oven. 

Cornbread Dressing Gets a Hot New Look on This Episode of Leftover Makeover

Thanksgiving is over, the family is getting ready to vacate your house, you've sent off plates of leftovers to everyone but you still have leftovers to feed a small third world country? I can relate. My family is very much into cooking. This year, with me and the UH here, there was a lot of fresh takes on old favorites including Bacon Weaved Turkey, Praline Ham, Cornbread Dressing, Green Bean Casserole, Mashed Potatoes, Candied Yams from scratch, gravy and the inclusion of the UH's amazing homemade Mac and Cheese. After everything, it doesn't even look like we've made a dent in the side dishes.

I know that most sites feature leftover recipes for leftover turkey. Let's get real though, is leftover turkey really a problem? I have no problem sneaking to the kitchen for a small handful of cold turkey. A small handful of mashed potatoes? Not so much. The problem lies in the side dishes. After awhile the  potatoes start getting that gross water, the dressing gets a gross color and the gravy looks like a science project. I'm here to help that. There is no need to make eating leftovers a monotonous chore. Your leftover dinners can be completely different every night. It's like thrift store eating. You shop at a thrift store, buy something someone else wore to death, bring it home and jazz it up into something new. Well, there's no reason you can't do that with leftovers.

Today's revamp? Leftover stuffing turns into beautiful Hush Puppies for a weekend fish fry. You can definitely make these healthy and bake them, but my theory is that you're taking little balls of sugary carbs and rolling them in more carbs. If you're really wanting to be healthy, why are you eating this in the first place? Bring on the oil, baby. Bring on the oil. 

Cornbread dressing was in a slump. Sure, the first few days of her existence was grand and nobody could keep their hands off of her. After awhile though, she got tired of being in the same old routine. She needed help and we here at The Unwed Housewife were more than happy to come to her rescue.

A few minutes later, a new coat and a hot oil dip and look at her now. Gorgeous! Also, she multiplied. It's weird, yes, but who are we to judge? You go, girl!

Leftover Dressing into Hush Puppies

2 C leftover cornbread dressing

1 C plain bread crumbs

enough oil to deep fry in

Heat oil in medium sized pot or deep fryer.

Take about 1 TBS of dressing and roll into a ball. 

Roll dressing ball into bread crumbs and coat completely.

Repeat until all dressing is formed into balls.

Drop into hot oil and fry until golden brown.

Take out and drain on paper towels, newspaper or paper bags. 

Serve along with fish and chips.

When Apologizing, It's Always Best to Use Bacon

I know, it seems like most of these blog posts have an apology for why I haven't been able to post lately. This time I'm not even going to explain it because it honestly just has to do with me being lazy.That's right. I'm lazy. How lazy? Well, I had this whole blog post written about a month ago and I just now got around to editing it. Yeah. That's pretty lazy. That's why I have a surprise. Not only am I posting my amazingly delicious Bacon Maple Cupcake recipe, but I'm also linking you to the most amazing Brown Butter Pumpkin Cupcakes with Caramel Cream Cheese frosting. They are the perfect addition to a Thanksgiving dessert buffet. I took these to work on Monday for our Thanksgiving potluck and they were a huge hit.

I'm just going to keep this short and sweet because I know why you're reading this, you probably want bacon and honestly I'd like to fit a nap in before "New Girl" because today was exhausting.
And now for my apology recipe; Maple Bacon Cupcakes. Trust me, it sounds odd, but it's not. Think outside of the Duncan Hines box. Relax, lay back, pour yourself some coffee and enjoy the breakfast explosion in your mouth (that's what he said). It's like bacon and pancakes with syrup (Also what he said. He lied.).

Maple Bacon Cupcakes with Candied Bacon

Butter Cake:

1 cup butter, softened

1 1/2 cups sugar

4 large eggs

3 cups all-purpose soft-wheat flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup milk

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Paper baking cups

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat butter and sugar at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating until blended after each addition. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt; add to butter mixture alternately with milk, beginning and ending with flour mixture. Beat at low speed until blended after each addition. Stir in vanilla.

Place paper baking cups in 2 (12-cup) muffin pans, and coat with cooking spray; spoon batter into cups, filling two-thirds full. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pans on wire racks 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks, and cool completely. While cupcakes are cooling make Candied Bacon.

Candied Bacon:

12 strips of raw bacon cut into quarters

1/2 C brown sugar

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place bacon and brown sugar in zipper sealed bag and shake until bacon is coated. Lay each piece on a baking sheet and bake for about seven minutes, flip bacon and then bake for five minutes more. Bacon should be crispy and sticky like toffee.

*Tip* The bacon grease and brown sugar forms an amazing sweet and salty toffee candy. It's an added bonus.

Maple Frosting:

1 cup butter

1 (16-oz.) package dark brown sugar

1/2 cup evaporated milk

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1 tablespoon light corn syrup

4 cups powdered sugar

2 teaspoons maple flavoring

To prepare frosting, melt butter in a heavy saucepan over medium heat. Add brown sugar; bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Stir in evaporated milk, baking soda, and light corn syrup; bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat, and let cool. Transfer caramel mixture to a large bowl. Gradually add powdered sugar to caramel mixture; beat at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Stir in maple flavoring. Beat at high speed 2 minutes or until creamy. Frost using a cupcake tip, or just dip the cupcakes into the frosting for a nice even coat. Top with the candied bacon and enjoy.

I'm Only Happy When I Pretend to Be Shirley Manson in the Rain

I may not be the lead singer of Garbage, but I'm okay with that. It would be kind of awkward to have peaked in the mid-nineties when I was about 10 and my only accomplishment in life was leading not only a Spice Girls fan club, but a Saved By the Bell fan club as well. Also, there's lots of other things that make me happy, not just rain. This is probably a good thing since there's been a drought and only being happy when it rains would mean living a very depressing life.

That being said, I LOVE the rain. LOVE it. I may not be ONLY happy when it rains, but I am incredibly giddy when it does. My family makes an event of it. We always have. Whether it's taking a drive in the rain or making a family movie night, we always plan some sort of rainy weather activity. We are nothing like those whiny little assholes from "The Cat in the Hat." Seriously, what the hell? I can't be the only ones that could relate to the mom abandoning them while it rained. Those kids were whiny. Who whines when it rains despite have a freakin' TALKING GOLDFISH? They do apparently. So ungrateful.

The whole reason for all of this rain talk is that it's finally my favorite season and it finally rained. Not just rained, it poured. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. Fall weather and rain. Love it! How did we celebrate? Movies and an old classic with a grown up twist; tomato soup and grilled cheese. How did I make it with a grown up twist? I put my own spin on Chef Alex Guarnaschelli's Charred Tomato Soup and served it with delicious Panini. Before I post the delicious recipes, I have to ask: has anyone else gotten grief from people over the word "panini?" I have had angry hoards (like 3 people) get mad when I say paninis because apparently "panino" is the singular form and "panini" is already a plural. Paninis, panini. Who cares? It's a delicious smushed sandwich.

Charred Tomato Soup

2 TBS Canola Oil
12 Roma tomatoes, washed, core removed and a small "x" cut in the bottom
salt
1 TBS sugar
1 C white wine (I used Pinot Grigio)
6 cloves garlic, peeled and sliced thin
2 medium onions, diced
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
black pepper
2 tsp dried oregano
1 (28 oz) can whole peeled tomatoes
1 C water
2 C low fat Mozzarella
Sour cream
green onions

In a large cast iron skillet heat oil.
Place all Roma tomatoes inside and sprinkle with salt and sugar.
Allow skin to char a bit and carefully turn them. This part is labor intensive, but builds the flavor so much.
Once lightly charred all over, pour in 1/4 C of wine and simmer on low.
In a soup pot cook onions and garlic until tender.
Add in oregano, red pepper flakes and whole can of tomatoes with liquid.
Stir in water and add charred tomatoes and the rest of the reserved wine but NOT the liquid in the cast iron skillet.
Stew for about an hour or two.
Once tomatoes are tender and flavors have married, take a hand blender or pour chunky soup in blender and puree until smooth.
Top with cheese, sour cream and/or green onions.

*I usually make mine a day ahead and store in the fridge in order to allow all of the flavors to mature.

Panini
Panini can literally be made of anything you would put in a sandwich. For the one pictured above we went to the deli and bought hard salami and deli pepperoni sliced the thinnest they could slice, some provolone, mozzarella, grilled green and red bell peppers, grilled onions and arugula. We placed all of the ingredients on bolillo rolls and pressed them on the George Foreman grill. You really can't go wrong with these.

Why I Fed Chicken Parm to a House of Zombies

I was really sick for a few days. Actually, everyone at my house was sick. It was like the movie "Contagion" in here. I spent the rest of my check on cold and flu medicine. I have insurance now and probably should have gone to the doctor, but I come from a long line of people that believe in the healing properties of Vick's Vapor Rub, NyQuil, Alka-seltzer, Sprite and Chicken Soup. 

It must work though because after that medical routine and two days of being quarantined, we all made it back to work today. Well, maybe not so much "made it" as much as "we had to drag ourselves to work because that's what responsible adults do" -or some crap like that. I don't know. This whole mature adult thing is new to me. I'm still finding it hard to hold my tongue and not talk back if someone tries to correct me. I'm doing a good job of it though. I'm even keeping my cool with irate clients. I think the lovely paycheck and benefits have encouraged that. Whatever works, right?

All of my time at work is spent sitting down answering phones. I'm actually enjoying that, however I'm not exactly a dainty girl and I fear that I'll become Honey Boo Boo's thumb Mom. I just don't think I could pull off the melting into yourself look.

And yes, if you're counting that most certainly is the second reference to Honey Boo Boo in one week.

This fear of becoming Honey Boo Boo's mom has lead to me looking for healthier alternatives. For instance lunch today was a homemade turkey gyro on a wheat pita (because if you follow us on Facebook you know about my disdain for the crap served at the work cafeterestaurant), carrot and celery sticks with homemade Tzatziki (strained Greek Yogurt with shredded cucumber and minced garlic) and Coconut Water. It was amazing. I have fancy lunches. 

So, I've been revamping old meals into something at least a tad bit healthier. Sadly, only half of the people that I cooked for could even taste anything I made last night. What's that? You want to know what I made for dinner? Well, lovelies, you're in luck. Not only do I have the picture of what I made, but also the recipe. ENJOY!

Chicken Parmesan        Serves 6

3 boneless skinless chicken breasts

2 egg whites

1/2 C milk

2 C Italian Breadcrumbs

Non-stick Cooking Spray

1 C fat free Mozzarella

4 C marinara (I used Fresh Mushroom Prego since I did not have the time or energy for homemade. Sue me.)

Preheat oven to 350*F

Pound each chicken breast to 1/4 inch thickness and then cut in half.

Beat egg whites and milk together.

Dip chicken pieces in mixture and then toss in breadcrumbs to coat.

Spray cooking spray on large cookie sheet.

Place coated pieces on sheet and then spray pieces with spray.

Bake for about 25 minutes or until golden brown and cooked all the way through.

Top with about 2 TBS marinara and about 1 TBS cheese.

Place back in oven until melted. About 2 minutes.

Serve on top of spaghetti topped with extra sauce with a side salad.

When Life Gives You Vodka, Drink It, but Occasionally Mix it with Pudding and Whipped Cream

I know I've been slacking, lovelies. Times have been crazy. Just kidding. I've been a lazy ass. I really have. There is no excuse. Work isn't very strenuous, I come home, cook (not a chore if you love it), watch TV and then tell myself that I'll definitely blog tomorrow. The next day I go through the same process until it's Saturday, I'm blogless and I'm sleeping late then shopping or lounging around. I really don't have an excuse for neglect. Thank God I'm childless or my children would be starved and injured laying somewhere on the floor begging for my attention.

Okay, maybe that's a bit drastic, but this blog is my baby and I've definitely neglected it. Not so much Dina Lohan neglect, but definitely along the lines of Honey Boo Boo neglect minus the whole looking like I'm melting into myself thing.

Never fear, lovelies! I come bearing gifts. Not just any gift. Gifts of Vodka. Not just any Vodka. CHOCOLATE vodka. Not just ANY chocolate Vodka. Chocolate Pudding Vodka shots.

I'll just pause here to let you guys finish your orgasm wake up from fainting with delite.

When it comes to chocolate flavored vodka, go crazy with it. Try different brands. I like Godiva, but 360 Double Chocolate Vodka is just as amazing, if not more amazing. It's also cheaper and if you're into all that green recycling stuff, you can mail in the top and they reuse it or something like that.

And yes, that is a shot glass in the picture. It's shaped like a mini mug. I used to serve my little God sister hot cocoa in these. AGAIN, another reason it's a good thing I don't have babies yet. All I have to say is that kid can shoot hot chocolate with the best of 'em now.

And now, the pièce de résistance! I copied and pasted that word to make it seem fancier for you. Are you impressed yet? Oo la la!

• 

                 Chocolate Pudding Shot

• 1 (3/2 oz) package instant chocolate pudding
• 3/4 C milk
• 3/4 C Chocolate flavored Vodka
• 1 (8 oz) container Extra Creamy Cool Whip
• 1 can Whipped Cream for topping

Mix pudding and milk until well blended.

Add Chocolate Vodka and mix well.

FOLD in container of Cool Whip

Divide into 1 oz plastic cups or keep in container

Store in freezer until serving time.

You can serve these in 1 oz shots or go all out and just make large adult parfaits. Either way, top with Whipped Cream and indulge.